The MINT Prjct

Navigating Comparison in Motherhood and Female Fitness

• The MINT Prjct

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Today we talk about how to navigate the difficulties of comparing yourself to others. We touch on body image comparisons and how we all handle those thoughts, as well as social media's effect on things you many not even notice. If you're a mama comparing your house to the perfections of others, your drop-off fashion, or lunch box standards, this is a great episode that was basically a therapy session for us all!

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To learn more about The MINT Prjct and check out our programs and courses, head to TheMINTPrjct.com and follow us on Instagram, as well as your hosts, @bets.inthewild, @_coach.cara_ and @jesscarr.fit

Speaker 1:

quick Wada Palooza recap. We all just got back from Wada Palooza in Miami and are a little sleepy today, so bear with us. Kara, you really should probably be more tired than I am, and you don't seem like you are because you actually competed, so you should give everyone like a little recap of how competing was, because it was awesome to watch.

Speaker 3:

Thank you, it was really fun to have all of you guys there.

Speaker 3:

I feel, like I probably had the biggest. We probably had the biggest, like you know, support crew of anyone that was there, which was really cool. Yeah, it was super fun. So I competed on a women's team of three in the Intermediate Division and we did seven workouts over three days. So day one we did two workouts, day two we did three workouts, and those ones were like the more endurancey ones. And then on Sunday we did two workouts, which by Sunday I thought it was gonna be exhausted.

Speaker 3:

But the last one that we were supposed to do got changed because it was raining, like pouring rain, and so we were supposed to do all these kipping pull-ups, chest to bars and then muscle-ups, which is a little bit dangerous because the competition is outside too, and so the bars were slippery and so they changed it to strict pull-ups and the reps were a little bit different, and so, anyways, it made it. It was kind of fun to have to adapt on the fly, but we were really looking forward to doing that workout because we've worked so hard on that one. But yeah, it was, it was so fun and I will say the one that we were worried about the swim we finished. We didn't think we would finish. So that was good. And then we actually came in and our top like our top scoring event was the 5k trip wasn't it which we were not expecting that we got six plates Awesome.

Speaker 1:

In that one. It was really good. It was so fun. What was your favorite workout? Did you say that already?

Speaker 3:

No, I didn't. I actually really liked the swim when I didn't think I was going to, but it was just so fun. It was fun to get in the water and you kind of had a chance to like look around a little bit while you were out there and just be like I'm doing this in a competition with a bunch of people, so it's fun.

Speaker 1:

I felt bad for everyone who was like around me while I was yelling. But there were also whatever team was next to you in that one event like they were going wild. They were like jumping over me. We were all standing at that little and they were like yelling over me. I'm like, it's fine. It's fine, you're very excited.

Speaker 3:

I'm also excited, but um well, I could hear you, so that was good, I'm mad when I want to be. Not when I was on the barge, not when I was at the base.

Speaker 1:

Oh yeah, that one was hard because there was like a part of the ocean between us.

Speaker 3:

Yes, yeah, but I heard you the other time.

Speaker 1:

Good, yeah, and then yeah, if you guys have never been to Waterpalooza, and it's something you can get to, it is just such a fun vibe. Like so many, so many fun people. The weather was hit or miss, like, of course, it was pouring when we had to tear everything down the last night. Poor Betsy fell in a puddle.

Speaker 2:

Oh, she slipped like a banana peel slip.

Speaker 3:

It was slow motion for me, yeah it was just a nice early first stress so much fun though.

Speaker 2:

It happened in like the middle of the day or on load in day or something. It would have been bad, but it was like the end of the entire day it was the grand finale it was it was, we were just going home, so who cared?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah but no yeah, it was fun if you might have seen this on Instagram, but we did a challenge where people had to do max inverted rows in a minute and then go straight into max putting together Dr Brown's baby bottles, which, if you've ever used those, there's like six pieces, and we had so many people do it male and female and it was so fun to watch like that. I've watched that reel about 300 times.

Speaker 3:

Me too. So fun and everyone loved it, everyone who did it yeah it's such good attitude, yeah, but also there was a lot of surprise. Yeah, whoa, this is a lot harder than I thought it was that was my favorite was the guys of the men who were like oh yeah, it's easy.

Speaker 1:

and then they're like there's 40 seconds left, I'm dying, yeah well underestimate mom.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I got 12 bottles or like got 12 bottles for the challenge, and we quickly found out that the average was like three.

Speaker 3:

Yeah it was three, yeah, but someone got five and that was man, the guy who won, yeah three.

Speaker 2:

That was crazy, yeah, john John who won yeah? He got.

Speaker 1:

That was his second attempt to come back because he was winning and then someone took over and then he came back to reclaim the title, so very competitive very competitive.

Speaker 3:

The whole challenge, yeah, yeah by the way, shout out to Kat Kat hi. Your friend came by. I think your friend's name was either Michelle, and she was like my friend, kat loves your guys podcast and so she wanted to come by and say hi.

Speaker 1:

So I want to make sure to say hi to you, kat hey.

Speaker 2:

Kat what else, what else? Thanks for listening.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, it was cool to meet people who have heard of us and then who obviously have not heard of us too. Like it was, it was just great. There was a lot of love for what we're doing, so it was really inspiring and gives us the encouragement to keep going. So very fun event. We will probably be at the California one in September, so you can catch us there too. And I'm trying to think of anything else. You know, we had someone steal a bottle.

Speaker 3:

They wanted one that badly you just did the challenge and then just walked away an old man with her bottle and I just thought you know why you take it. It's fine, you know there was a lot of interest initially in the bottles, like people thought.

Speaker 2:

A few people wanted to purchase the bottle and I'm curious why you would not have that if you have a child. I truly. I just want to know because maybe if they're nursing. But so if they're nursing but mom's not available, there's either milk pumped I don't know.

Speaker 1:

They were also clear, not glue bottles.

Speaker 3:

No they were opened, they were out of the package.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and if your baby's in bottle stage, you're probably pretty aware of like I need to bring things with me to feed them. Very interesting, very interesting.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, any who.

Speaker 3:

We did go to that rising tides event at peak 360.

Speaker 1:

That was amazing. It's CrossFit Gym in.

Speaker 3:

Miami and it was really really cool. We got to be on the panel with a bunch of other entrepreneurs and leaders in the space, in the fitness world, and it was just really cool to hear their backgrounds and their stories and kind of get inspired by them. And then we got to share our story and what we're doing and why. Yeah, kerry you did amazing.

Speaker 2:

Yeah yeah, so good. We had so many inspiring things come from that. One of the most, one of the biggest things that I think resonated with me was like even the owner of GoRoc. I don't think he was owner. Was he CEO?

Speaker 1:

but CEO.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, very big owner's pliability, all these big people who've been in these business for a long time. A common thread that you would hear was you know this imposter syndrome of comparing yourself to other gyms and like being at a at a at our first live event for four days. You definitely need confidence and when you don't have it, that imposter syndrome, that comparison, can come in for sure. So, which is what we're talking about today but yeah, yeah, that like that was a very good way to start the event. I think was hearing from other people that are in the same boat and that that comparison feeling can creep in, no matter how we're gotten your journey so Similar to mom's there. Yeah, yeah, that's such a good point.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, the. So the event brought up a lot of like. We'll get to the. I think one of the main things we wanna talk about today is comparison in pregnancy, postpartum, as a mom. But obviously when you go to a fitness event, there are a lot of very fit people and so it can be as fun as it was.

Speaker 1:

I know for myself it did bring up a lot of like body image and, hey, I'm comparing myself to that person, and so that was something I was hyper aware of and actually talked to. We had our mindset expert, jess Durando, with us at the event, which was so helpful, but also I was chatting with her a little bit about that and she just gave me some good tips. She's like some people might be looking at you and thinking the same thing that you're thinking about them, and I'm like you know that's so true, but it's just a constant like how do I when I feel that comparison I don't know that that ever goes away, but it's just having a different mindset around it of like how can I talk to myself about the good qualities that I have when looking at someone and like comparing myself to them?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah like how to keep it in check.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, I noticed that too, mm-hmm, yeah, and I was, you know, competing while I was there too, and so I was around the athletes obviously a lot back in the form of barrier and also competing against them, and I did realize, like the first two days, it was kind of like oh wow, all these people look so fit, they look so lean, like they're probably so much better than me. You know, which is dumb, but it's hard, I did. That is the initial thoughts that I have. I wish I could just look at, have looked at them and thought you know, there's another competitor, they look amazing good for them.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, you know, and honestly though, by the last day maybe it's because I was tired mentally of having that conversation in my head, but I did realize that by that last day I was able to look at someone and be like cool, they're super fit they look amazing Like. And then I didn't like. There was no like.

Speaker 3:

Oh, I wish I looked like that thing and I actually noticed myself changing that, so I don't know if it's because I was just exposed to it for so long or I was just so over doing all the comparison, but I didn't notice that shift for me that last day.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and I think the shift that I'm trying to have from well A like, a lot of the people that I was looking at were competitors, right, so comparing myself to someone, I don't want to be a competitor right now.

Speaker 1:

Comparing myself to them is not apples to apples, right, like I'm not competing, they are working so hard, but there's a middle ground where I can be working really hard and be really proud of both how I look and how I feel. And so what I'm kind of trying to shift from being there is, like you said, kira, like looking at that person, they go oh my gosh, they look amazing, they're competing, they're so strong. Taking that as like okay, I'm now a little bit more motivated to be like here's what I look and look like when I feel my best, but also what is realistic for me right now in my life with work and my kid and all that kind of stuff. I know there's little tweaks that I can make. We were talking about those two, kira.

Speaker 1:

To like my nutrition, I've just been a little off, and so it's like hey, if I want to be confident in my own skin, I do. I have to also be honest with myself. There's a little bit of changes I know I need to make right now. But also, like make sure the comparison that you're making is not to someone who is competing in a fitness competition. You don't have to compare yourself to anyone but yourself and what you want to look like, what you want to feel like. So I don't know I'm rambling right now, but it's just. We have this tendency to compare ourselves to people who aren't maybe in the same phase of life as us. So just keeping your goals realistic when you're thinking about those kind of things.

Speaker 2:

Well, and I think, when it comes to body image, that one of the best things to keep in mind is that when you're looking at someone else, just because they look it's not always better and that would different, that doesn't mean it's better than you, because better is subjective right and habits for myself that I know have changed, that are I look in the mirror, wants to make sure that I look like presentable, my outfit looks good and I feel good. And if I feel good when I first get dressed and I look in the mirror, I try to hold that feeling through the rest of the day Versus like, oh, I felt great when I looked in the mirror this morning, but now that I look at other people, no, I liked the way I'm out, but I liked the way I looked. I felt whatever and I didn't try to get in the mirror and in my head think about what other people look like. It's just kind of keeping that almost blinders on of you and yourself and that's all that matters. And then, when you're looking at other people, I've also tried to make a habit of and not because I'm trying to like push away feelings of comparison, but look at people's eyes and try to really focus my attention on their personality instead of their body Because, again, like you said, you're not competing right now, none of it. Well, kara's competing right now. But, like, for those of us who aren't competing right now, or never have, or at all, or when you're watching these athletes, what's interesting is most of these athletes are not where they're at in their competitive nature because of body image. Their bodies don't look like that as a driver, like they didn't do that so that they could look good. They're doing it. That's a byproduct, that's like an extra add on, and some people hate the way that that looks. So, again, it is subjective and it's more about how you feel, like you've said, jess. And when those comparison body image comparisons come in, like I think it's really good.

Speaker 2:

You mentioned about saying, okay, well, am I consistently feeling like I'm not proud of how I feel in my clothes or look in the mirror, or is this feeling constantly hanging over my head? And if it is, then maybe there's some tweaks I need to make. But are those tweaks nutrition, are they workout wise? Are they mental?

Speaker 2:

And one of the really important and kind of rambling here, but one of the really important conversations we had with Jess, our mindset component this weekend too was like, okay, there's all this pressure on workout and eat well, there's all this movement in nutrition when you kind of parallel it to other pillars of our business. But mindset cannot and should not be an afterthought of that. So when we get into the tweaks, like all of those pillars are equally weighted and I think that kind of rotating through, working on each one of those goals, like, okay, how's my mindset that feels, okay, we're at about a 10 there, let's go to nutrition. Nutrition's a six. Okay, movement's a seven. Okay, let's focus on nutrition. Once that gets up, let's rotate through again. Did mindset start to suffer? So, yeah, a bit of a ramble there, but I think it's worth noticing that different is not always better.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so true, and looking at your life and the current, where you're at in life and this is something I talked with Jess Durando about as well is like okay, like I look back on sometimes photos of myself from like, let's say, two years ago, I'm like, oh man, I kind of miss looking like that. I was a lot leaner. I was also working at a gym almost full time. I had all the time not all the time in the world, but like I coached and then I worked out and then I had a lot more time to make my food the way it should be and there was a lot more like I'm in a gym, I'm coaching, like I wanna make sure I look a certain way. I was in photos a lot for our gym and so that was almost like a motivator of like you're gonna be in those photos.

Speaker 1:

I wasn't necessarily super happy, you know, in other aspects because I probably wasn't eating as much as I should, because I was trying to stay super lean. Like there are given takes to these bodies that we compare ourselves to and also some of the bodies that I probably compare myself to sometimes aren't always the most healthy, like I know, when I was low body fat, like I also was really stressed out. I wasn't sleeping super well and so, again, what are the given takes? Like I can get to a place where I'm confident and feeling good without going to that place where I'm then borderline, not healthy overall mentally and physically. So there's just a lot of balance that comes into play when we're looking at these comparisons and making sure that we're the mindset like you said, betsy.

Speaker 1:

I love what you said. Yeah, it's, make sure you're. I know I have a tendency I don't think I see myself the way that other people probably see me, so reminding yourself of that too. Like if you're someone who tends to have a little bit of body dysmorphia, like that's something to really work through, because that can really it can be something that every single day affects your mental health if you're constantly questioning how you look. So I love the hey, do I feel cute in this outfit? And that's the quick check, like, not like sometimes we have a tendency to do when we're all together, like standing and judging ourselves in the mirror for 30 minutes.

Speaker 3:

Like on mean girls. Do you guys remember we slowly get closer and closer to the mirror?

Speaker 2:

and then realize like oh, no one can see us this way, anyways, yeah yeah so, but yeah so.

Speaker 1:

I mean that's the you know initial, what's clearest in my mind, because we were just at Wada Palooza. But there's a ton of comparison. Obviously, we specialize in pregnancy and postpartum fitness, and so that is a major time when it's really important to be thinking about this, like the comparison. Let's just start with pregnancy. I mean, not only is your body changing, but some of the movements that are happening are changing. You're starting to see, maybe, other women on social media that are doing certain things or look a certain way in pregnancy, and you can really start comparing yourself like, oh, should I be doing what that person's doing? Or even we talk about this a lot too comparing your pregnant self to your pre-pregnant self or your last pregnancy, and it's like those experiences could be completely different.

Speaker 3:

So yeah, yeah, I did that. I know I've done that a lot. All of my babies were kind of born in the same season. So on my iPhone, when I would like look in my pictures, it will take me back to this time two years ago when I was pregnant with. You know, let's say I'm pregnant with when I was pregnant with my third. I could look back this time two years ago see what I was doing and all these things when I was pregnant with my second and it was easy to be like, oh, I'm so much bigger now and okay, so I had to go like yes, I am, I can't do anything about that, you know, that's how the baby's growing this time.

Speaker 3:

You know what's so interesting, though, is?

Speaker 2:

what you immediately did, jess, is you would like. No, I think you're good. And what's interesting is we can tell each other all day long like no, you look great. No, I want to look like you, but it's, it does. It's what's in your head. You know that matters. And that can go the opposite way too. We can be. I think women really love to go. Oh no, I'm uglier than you type like mindset.

Speaker 1:

Or.

Speaker 2:

I'm batter than you is really the thing we're trying to do in our head, and that's a whole podcast in and of itself of just like I'm sure we can get with Jess. I'm like self-talk, yeah, anyways, but but yeah, with pregnancies that is, it really gets hard mentally and externally.

Speaker 3:

And, like Jess was saying, it's not just about how you look, it's like what is that person doing. Should I be doing those movements too? Should I be, you know, going that fast? Should I be going that heavy?

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 3:

And so how do you know and that's where education really comes in is to say, okay, what are the things that I need to be aware of? You know, when I'm pregnant and I'm trying to work out, or I'm postpartum and I'm trying to work out, and then how am I feeling right now? And all these different things. And that's how you can decide for yourself. Instead of Looking externally, yeah, you can look internally and then use your own education to make those decisions for yourself. Yeah at that time.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, especially. I mean, it's so cool that we're now seeing so many more pregnant athletes, you know putting out there that they're still lifting, they're still working out. But that can be super confusing because you're like, oh man, like Should I be doing? Yeah, like we've already touched on this, but I think it becomes oh, it's a lot more Apparent now than when I was pregnant nine years ago. There's so much more in your face of what other people are doing and what other people are sharing. People are a lot more confident sharing things on social media and and almost sharing things that maybe are borderline, controversial, because that's what gets the attention and the clicks. And then that's what you're comparing yourself to when, just like any exercise and any fitness journey, your pregnancy is an individual journey and it's going to look different than someone else's and it's gonna look different than probably your last pregnancy.

Speaker 3:

So yeah, and and I think we've talked about this before too if, if and this is going along with social media but if you're following someone who you know, they're trying to be like a spot inspiring, and they may. They may be inspiring some people, but they may be making you feel like kind of bad about yourself or something, and you don't Want to be feeling that way. Just some fun, like you don't have to follow them.

Speaker 3:

You can unfollow things or you can not have conversations or not be around people who when you're, I'm not gonna say made to, because apparently we can all choose. You know, we'll choose how we feel but yeah, if we're gonna be triggered by something and Until we're maybe at a better place where we're like you know, we've got it. We're managing it better or something like that. Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and then obviously similar, similar theme of postpartum and this maybe is almost there's more comparison postpartum because it's like, oh man, like they bounced back real quick, they already have their abs back, or they lost all the baby weight which seems overnight, or even just the. They're back to lifting or they're back to. I mean, it took me a year to go back to the gym postpartum, so it's different for everyone. But there's Just, as we talk about all the time, this huge pressure for women to get their bodies back, and Not even thinking about all the other things that we're going through postpartum, like trying to sleep, trying to get a shower and trying to feed ourselves, like and then also trying to think about losing weight when you need to be eating enough to feed your baby and support your body. That's recovering is just so crazy to me when I think about it now. But I mean, I definitely, I definitely did compare myself when I was really early postpartum.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, and it's hard because, Like, at least personally, I want to get back to feeling how I felt, you know, before and not like a hundred percent the same, because I know every time it's gonna be different. That's okay, but I want to feel better, and it's almost more to me about feeling better, and so when I see other women that are like maybe get back to feeling more like themselves quicker than me, it's like dang it. I wish. I wish I was feeling that way already.

Speaker 1:

But but then again.

Speaker 3:

It's just reminding yourself like this is my journey, this is. You know where I'm at right now and then, and then you can kind of take those steps from there.

Speaker 1:

Betsy, what was your because you were still working in the gym when you were really early postpartum. What was your kind of journey like after you had crew?

Speaker 2:

You know what I think. To some degree I almost had it unhealthy. I swung so far the other direction that it I instead just really accepted being no longer motivated. You know it was just like you know what?

Speaker 2:

this is what I'm going through have a baby and, nick, you had emergency season. I'm doing this, this and that, like I'm overwhelmed. So I have a pass, which is an interesting like Thing, to figure out how to deal with, right, because I think that can go with a lot of things. I think, even just being a mom in general, you can use that as a pass to not take care of yourself. So then you don't want to look at others and say, well, these moms are really good. I don't want to look at others and say, well, these moms are overworking themselves.

Speaker 2:

They're doing it. They're going crazy, they have way too high of expectations, but then that's just a different kind of comparison, right, yeah? So yeah, I think that I Still don't. I still don't have that all together. I think I'm still figuring out every single day how to balance, like, my own expectations of myself and in that opposite direction of, like you know, I, I deserve this, I deserve this. Then it can very quickly swing to the other side of like, no, be better, do work harder. So you know, I don't think that. I Think the one thing that I have learned is that I might probably never have this perfect little Landing spot mentally of I know exactly how to work hard enough, but not too hard, yeah you know it's just a conversation I have to check myself on daily.

Speaker 2:

I mean, today alone, the house is just upside down after being away and you know we've had ice here at the streets. There's like not even a piece of ice in the street. It's fine, no ice, but they called off school. So my son's home, the house, is upside down, like the bags are. So, yeah, the trip and I could have an excuse not to work out, but multiple times through the day I've had the conversation of like you know what I Would. You can see all these moms on Instagram who will talk about how their house is a mess and they still got a workout.

Speaker 2:

Or or the other side. You'll see all these moms on Instagram on how their house is a mess and they said you know, I'm allowed to Not do this, this and that, because I need my peace, like protect your peace. So Personally, I think social media can just encourage the like schizofrenia.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Of the thought yeah of that.

Speaker 1:

I was just thinking about that because I'm like, okay, as a mom, you're supposed to be fit, but if you're too fit, it's like you're working out so much that how do you have time for your kids and like your house should be clean.

Speaker 2:

But if it's like perfect, then again when your kids and why doesn't it look like your house is lived in? Yeah, it's like. What am I?

Speaker 1:

supposed to do.

Speaker 3:

I think it just comes down to being honest with yourself. And what do you need?

Speaker 2:

right now.

Speaker 3:

Do you need time with your kid? Do you need a workout?

Speaker 2:

Do you need like it's prioritizing- you cannot have it all, and the people who, online, look all like they have it all, don't they don't?

Speaker 3:

Well, yeah, and I don't know, I just like being truly, truly honest with yourself, putting everything else aside, everyone else's opinions, all the other things that you see, and just sitting down and saying, okay, what is the most important thing for me?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and then just going, yeah and taking that thought day by day, hour by hour, especially Whether you're home with your kids or not, like hour by hour. What do I need right now? What does do I need something more than my kid needs something? Okay, then I'm gonna do that. Does my kid need me more than I need me? Okay, do that. And minute by minute, even that can change. So I think, just taking a deep breath and like doing a little quick reflection and going with that thing and again, it'll never all. All the boxes will not get checked.

Speaker 1:

I love that I needed this conversation apparently today because, well, I had these grand.

Speaker 1:

No, well, maybe maybe I had these grand plans of like all right, get back from Miami on Monday, tuesday, it's hard again. We're going to work out and eat well. The eating well is going great, but I, I woke up. Still, I told you guys, I woke up, even though I slept a lot last night. I woke up and I felt like I got hit by a truck. Someone on a call told me that I could turn my camera off because I looked real tired and that just hit me and so I'm like you know what?

Speaker 1:

I am so tired that I don't know that I can work out today and that's okay. Like plans are changing. Today we're going to focus on eating well and planning out how to eat well the rest of the week. Tomorrow I'm going to wake up and work out because I I just my body needs to catch up. Like I didn't sleep very well when we were in Miami.

Speaker 2:

We were just doing stuff constantly and like so busy and just as much as I was like it was amazing, it was a lot, it was a lot of work, a lot of work. It was amazing yeah.

Speaker 1:

And even just as much as we love talking to people, that gets mentally exhausting as well.

Speaker 2:

Your social bucket can only hold so much.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah so, but yeah so also knowing that sometimes things are going to change. Like you can have this perfect plan of I'm going to work out today and that's great, like I love planning that in and you should try to plan that in.

Speaker 3:

But if you wake up feeling like garbage, like that's not necessarily going to be the best option, like maybe rest and get after it's, and maybe even not, because if you're trying to build a certain habit, like if you're trying to build that habit of working out instead of saying like, oh, I'm tired today, I'm not going to work out. Change your workout.

Speaker 1:

Exactly.

Speaker 3:

You don't have to go for a three rep max, back Right and if you are not feeling great, now again, that comes down to being honest with yourself. Are you just not feeling great, or you just don't want? To do it. You can go for a walk instead, or you can do, you know, a lighter set of squats.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 3:

Just slightly change your workout If you're trying to stay in that habit. But you can be adaptable as according to how you feel and you don't have to compare like, well, you know, this person just got back from their trip and they're doing it. Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely oh. And I think the same thing can come when that like being honest with yourself thing, like if you're dropping your kid off at school and there's a mom who walks in looking perfect and in the next day you're like, okay, well, I have to get dressed and do my hair and do my makeup and have cute outfit by the time I drop them off, cause that's like the standard. What about the fact that you traveled for the past four days? And and if that's not where you're at, I mean, what's the worst? Worst that's going to happen, another mom of it is that another mom might see you and be like you know what? Thank you. Yeah, you don't have to be.

Speaker 1:

Right.

Speaker 2:

Ladies, let's all just stop trying to impress, impress each other, because my husband always laughs. He's like you girls, you need these new things and these new purses and the nails done, Not because the guys really even care but it's too impressed, they're so online as well, or dropping, you know, around other moms. Are we all just trying to impress each other? Because, if that's the case, what if one of us just stood up and was the brave one and said how about we just stop caring about what each other thinks? Wouldn't that be easier?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I had a one of my personal training clients. We used to talk about this a lot. Where, like, can we just collectively, as women, lower the standards of, like you have to have the perfect house, you have to be dressed perfectly, everything needs to be I got to have the eyelashes, the eyebrows, the makeup. Like, can we just lower that standard? And like, my kids have to be perfectly dressed all the time? Like it's just not. Yeah, who are we doing it for? Because if it's stressing us all out, let's just stop. Like, as long as your kid is fed and you know they have clean clothes on and they're loved, they're alive they're loved.

Speaker 2:

you know it goes back it goes back to the exact same like insecurity or coddling of insecurities, that we were talking about where we'll stand in the mirror, or, honestly, even that we did at the beginning of this phone call, where one of us was like, oh, I look terrible, and the other one was like, oh no, I haven't done this. We're all doing it to each other, we're making this Right, like, okay, you know what I mean, and nobody's going to be perfect, we're all going to keep doing that. But if, at the very least, we can notice when those things are happening, I think that slowly but surely, whether it's to each other or to ourselves, or even as you're scrolling.

Speaker 2:

if you notice that you feel the way, the more aware you become of oh, that just happened. I did the thing, the easier it is to like abort the feeling and slowly build a habit of aborting sooner and sooner and sooner, and then they might kind of go away one day, right or become at least less.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, yeah, I love that. And I like to what Jess said, like who are you doing it for? And that again, I think, really just like to me, it just keeps going back to like being honest with yourself and what are your values Like, what do you, what do you value? And then from there, that's how you should make your decisions.

Speaker 3:

You shouldn't be dependent upon other people, what they like, what they care about. It should be dependent upon how you feel, who you're doing it for. If you're doing it for yourself Because I have a friend like I personally don't love to be dressed up and look all completely put together and stuff. I don't like that but I have a friend who really loves it for herself, like she doesn't mind being the person that's like if the rest of us are sweaty or whatever, and she always looks amazing because she loves the way that makes her feel. And we've talked about that before because I'm like, yeah, like you always look so great. She's like, because I love the way that makes me feel, yeah, for me.

Speaker 2:

I don't really love that.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, like. I can feel great without looking, like, you know, completely put together.

Speaker 2:

It just doesn't do it for you. Yeah, I mean not in need, it's just that's not what clicks for you.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, so again. Just, we're all so different and being honest with ourselves, going back to what we value for us, is important.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I think that's so important. Care what you said about like doing it for yourself, or what makes you feel good, and it's okay to do that. I think what you have to look at for yourself internally is okay. Am I doing this because I feel like I need it in order to feel good, or am I doing it as something that does like I enjoy the process of doing it? I'm not doing it, and you know, if you're doing your makeup in the mirror, like oh, I'm so afraid somebody's going to see what my skin looks like, I got to. I got to like put more of us. If you're doing it out of fear, if you're putting your clothes on, like who are people going to think this is trendy? Versus ooh, that's cute, I like that style.

Speaker 2:

That's my own. Whatever spin on a current trend or whatever it is, those are different thoughts, right? If it's coming out of fear or anxiety, you're probably doing it for someone besides yourself.

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

So good, yeah, I mean that compares. The comparison stuff just can come in in so many forms, like even the social media. I know we talk about that so much on here and social media is not bad. Thank goodness for it, because our business is like exploded because of it. However, even the little things like it's not always just about other girls looking pretty, because I think we can we realize that there's ways to pose, there's ways to light, like it's not always what they actually look like in day to day basis, but even little things like these perfect little bento box lunches.

Speaker 2:

I've seen the. There's a bunch of dads on social media now who will do like a getting my kids ready for lunch. And there are these like luxury, high end bentos with all the perfect vegetables. And I look at that and I'm like, first of all, that took way more time than I have in the morning, like that would have gone bad. I had to do it in the morning. Second of all, my kid won't eat any of that. So here's the comparison Come again over like a carrot and a container.

Speaker 1:

I know, I know.

Speaker 2:

So you have to. Just I think for me I can't. I can't look at that stuff and I could unfollow all day, but then I would be spending hours like cleaning up my Instagram and algorithms going to send it to me anyways. I can't control it. What you can control is start scrolling, you feel a negative thought. Okay, I get two minutes, and then I need to get out of here because I'm no longer in control of what I'm taking in. I'm being fed, right, and you can. You can control yourself. You can't control other people's perception. You can't control what you see on social media. I mean, really you can't, regardless of your following. So maybe just give yourself limits to sit in those feelings, then move on and kind of reflect about okay, how does that make me feel and why Do I want to go back to that? Do I want to lay in bed and do that again tonight, or should I like read a?

Speaker 3:

book. Yeah, and here's, here's a thought too, something I was thinking of. Like it's not always comparing ourselves and being like, oh, I suck compared to this person. Sometimes it can be looking at someone else and saying I have so much you know, like I'm so much stronger than that person. So, you know, not in a way that's like giving yourself confidence, but in a way that's putting someone else down. Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 3:

And or like wow, she's doing so much better in her business than me, you know. Or like I'm doing so much better than her, like something like that. There's really so many different ways to compare, and if we could just find a way to look at what people are doing and be happy for them and happy for us at the same time. I think that's where we can just stay happy because it doesn't matter, because we're doing it for ourselves. It's that intrinsic and extrinsic reward kind of sort of thing that we're looking at.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and if you, even if you're not saying it out loud, kara, like you said, like feeling better than someone else, you're just, you're doing it to other people again when you're doing it to yourself, because the more that you tell yourself these thoughts, the more you can say oh yeah, these people are probably thinking it about me, because I think it about them.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, I kind of want to get into too. How can we use comparison like for good? Yeah, because when I was thinking about this topic, if you can normally go to like, comparison is the thief of joy right.

Speaker 3:

That's a quote that we often hear, but when is it something that we can use productively? And I think, if we can, let's just go to fitness, like, if we can go and use previous data of ourselves as feedback. Like, let's say, we're in a lifting program and you know, last year we were squatting, let's say, 100 pounds, just to use the math. To make it easy, we can see where we were. Then Look at where we are now. If we're happy with where we are now, good, what did we do to get there? But we're comparing, you know, between last year and this year. If we were happy with where we are now, keep doing that.

Speaker 3:

If we're not so happy. If we think there's other changes to make, then we can look into that deeper and say, okay, what can I do to change that? But if I think if we can do that and not let ourselves get emotional about it and just use it as feedback, then that's when comparison can change. That's when comparison can be a helpful tool.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, that's such a good data.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, data for designing your life and things that you know have worked for you in the past. Okay, well, if you're feeling like crap, well, what's going on? When did I not feel like crap? What is this standard of how I'm feeling that I remember I'm trying to meet? Oh, it was then. What was I doing then? And yeah, absolutely. So this was kind of using your body as an experiment of. Okay, well, let's tweak this detail and pour it in. That one seems to really go a long way.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I love that you brought that up, kara, because, yeah, it's not always. I think we have this opposite swing of things again on social media like, oh my gosh, if you're trying to change your body, then you don't love your body, and that's not necessarily true. You can again, without having a ton of emotion being brought into it, say I love who I am, I love myself. But there's a few things that I would like to change. Maybe I'd like to build some muscle, I would like to get stronger, like. They can be positive things.

Speaker 1:

Maybe it is like, hey, I'd like to drop a few pounds, because I feel like I'm carrying a little bit of excess weight right now and that doesn't make me feel super confident, like, but it's for I want to be healthier. I, yeah, maybe I look back a year ago and like, hey, I was just eating better, I was eating more whole foods, I wasn't eating out as much, I was lifting more and I just felt stronger, like, I felt more capable, and so I would like to start taking steps to get back to that. And so it doesn't mean you hate your body or you hate yourself if you want to change your body or you have goals for your body. So, yeah, like comparing yourself to maybe someone, even in a positive way, like oh my gosh, I love her body, looks like she's lifting, looks like she's doing this, like I might try to incorporate some of that. Like there are healthy ways to compare and use that information.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, well, I love that you said that, jess, because I think one of the things I thought there was like, kara, you're very good at saying if one of us is like, oh, I want to do this, this and this, I want to start eating better, you are very good at not automatically going to oh, I think you're great, you don't need, I think you're eating fine. You can say that, but you also will say, oh yeah, here's a great hack, this Costco grocery list has really helped me out, or whatever it is. You're very good at still validating your friend's feelings.

Speaker 2:

And, number one, I want to say that we, as women, should try to be better at doing that for each other and instead of just putting down someone's feelings with good intention, of trying to be like, no, I think you're great, don't change a thing, let's maybe also say, okay, I hear you, I hear that there's something that's important to you here, something that you want.

Speaker 2:

How can I contribute to helping you meet that goal? And second, when Kara, my friend Kara, does this thing that I think is really cool of her to do and responds to conversations in a way that I admire, can I use that as an inspiration of like, hey, I'm going to do a little more of that. You know what I mean, instead of oh, kara is so much better of a person than I am. We do always say Kara is the nice one, which is, I mean, to some degree true, but I think that if we can all just you know, I hate to say like lift each other up but truly looking at the women around us in the positive and the negative, and learn together on how to help ourselves and help each other through the good stuff, through the bad stuff, using the good as inspiration, using the bad as ways to kind of support each other.

Speaker 2:

That's just to adjust.

Speaker 3:

To pivot, to adjust, yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it's all kind of coming full circle because you were saying, Betsy, like well, you can like validate someone as much or not validate, but tell someone as much as you want.

Speaker 1:

Like oh no, you look great, you look great. And if they're in that moment where they don't feel great, they're not going to see it. And so, instead of just that constant, let me downplay how they're feeling. Like, well, hey, I'll never forget I was dating someone and I made a comment like oh gosh, I just don't like I don't remember what it was, I don't like something right now. And they were like well then, why don't you do what you know you need to do to change it?

Speaker 1:

And I was like, and like you girls would probably say it in a much nicer way, but like it was kind of a light bulb that was like oh, it can be empowering when someone doesn't just try to say, oh, but you look great.

Speaker 3:

They don't dismiss. They're not dismissing that.

Speaker 1:

I am feeling a certain way and then that empowers me to make the changes to help myself feel better overall. Absolutely.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely man. Raise your hand if a lot of light bulbs went off during this conversation.

Speaker 1:

I'm going to go work out. I'm going to go work out, yes, I can do it.

Speaker 3:

Oh God, Should we FaceTime workout again? Jess and I have done that before.

Speaker 2:

Listen if you're desperate to workout with a person. You're going to have to do it. You're desperate to work out with a person yeah, and you don't want to do it. Just FaceTime with someone, just FaceTime.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yep, awesome, so good ladies. Yeah, this felt like a therapy session a little bit.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, it did I hope it did for you too, dear listener. Jess would be just trying to be proud of us.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, if you need a real therapy session, yes, absolutely, I recommend. Who gave us all these healthy thoughts to go off of in our souls?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so for Jess Durando, mama Method Wellness this is her brand. We'll put it all in the show notes. I work with her. She's amazing, and you should too, if you need to, if you need to, and one too, all right, awesome. Well, thanks for listening everyone. We will see you in the next one.